Times are hard...and I am a fat huge cow still. Nothing I do is working and my power and control is fading...don't know what to do.

Things keep going down hill and I feel like I just cant control anything any more. I feel like I am losing everything including myself. I am becoming a fatter cow than before and now I need to start all over again...nothing will stop me this time...this time I will be better. I am a discrace to the ana community and I need to gain control over myself, over my life. I NEED TO GAIN CONTROL. I am a huge cow that will forever be frowned apon if I don't get control over myself.

NO MORE FOOD

YOU DON'T NEED IT

GAIN CONTROL OVER YOURSELF YOU HUGE COW!

Current Location: Living Room
Current Mood: Feeling FAT
Current Music: CSI

Things are getting so busy here on my end...I am working two jobs taking on online class and school starts in one week. I am not doing great with my new years resolution- I have not lost any weight! I feel like such a fat ass. My hubby is always with me and always watching. Today however I will be all alone all day- no one to tell me what to eat and that...hopefully today I will be better. I have been going to the gym and burning calories...I just wish I could be naturally skinny...If I don't write for a while it is because I am too pooped.

Much Love

NEED WORDS OF INSPIRATION!

Casey

Current Location: Room
Current Mood: blank

"They say I could die if I get to thin and I tell them I Could die getting to fat also. The difference is dieing thin is a challenge and I am not one to give up a challenge."

So today food wise was a little better than yesturday. I am still not doing as great as I wish I was. This whole weight loss thing made me sense when no one knew about it. Now I feel like I am constantly lying to those around me, and throwing out perfectly good food. I hate that I have to throw something out to make it look as though I ate it. What a sad sad day...millions of people starve to death because the have no food....lucky ducks? (Sad if you think about it.)

Today I consumed about 210calories- better than what I ever imagined but obviously not good enough. I lost 1lb! that makes no sense. Yesturday I consumed about 400cal and burned 200 at the gym. I think that right now it might just be water weight- ahhh but who knows.

Tomorrow I plan on sleeping for as long as I can-and then having a nice early dinner with my hubby before I leave for an overnight shift. We will be have stir-fry aproxamately 150cal...all NATURAL! Things are looking okay right now...one I get past this first week I think I will be a little bit better at hiding my consumption... just need to get all this attention off of me.

I started having my first hunger pains in months today- I LOVE IT. I have missed this feeling so muc- however, the treatment side of me is kicking in and wants me to eat something. I WILL NOT= I CANNOT!

 

Current Location: Bed
Current Mood: TO B THIN

Ana Psalm

Strict is my diet. I must not want. It maketh me lie down at night hungry. It leadeth me past the confectioners. It trieth my willpower. It leadeth me in the paths of alteration for my body's sake. Yea, though I walk through the aisles of the pastry department, I will buy no sweet rolls for they are fattening. The cakes and the pies, they tempt me. Before me is a table set with green beans and lettuce. I filleth my stomach with liquids. My day's quota runneth over. Surely calorie and weight charts will follow me all the days of my life, and i will dwell in the fear of the scales forever.

Current Location: Living Room
Current Mood: determined

Today was supposed to be a great day- better than yesturday. Today was supposed to be the day that I succeed..but no. I had to go to luch with friends and I had to eat like a fat cow. I really am doing worse at this day after day. I went to the gym today and burned some calories. I feel so ugly and so FAT. Ana is so disapointed in me...I have failed her yet again and this means I have failed myself and you. Why can't I be stronger why can't stop eatting like a huge cow?  My paints were starting to fit losely and now I feel like I am about to burst in them. Ahhh....no more food for me today.. ~WATER~WATER~WATER

Current Location: Living Room
Current Mood: depressed

Well loneliness is becoming the norm for me. I really wish I had a friend that shared the same views as me...I wish I had one person that I could be ana with...someone I could hug and talk to someone I could weigh in with and starve with. I really need a best friend. I had an ana friend before but she gave up and now weighs 200lbs. No lie- she really does. She gave up and now she tells me all the time that I need to be happy with myself and love who I am. I really need a friend that wants thin as badly as I do. ANYONE LIVE IN SOUTHERN NEW HAMPSHIRE? Let me know.

Today was not as bad a day as I thought it was going to be. My hubby was home all say today and it is always harder to starve when he is home. I did better than I thought. Tomorrow will be much better I PROMISE. I skipped breakfast, and for lunch consumed 200cal, then for dinner I consumed 110cal, and snack of 100cal. making my total 410 cal. Yesturday I must admit I did much better only consuming 200cal. But like I said when he is home it is harder.

I badly want to lose weight...I want to be what I use to be. I was sent away- you know where- and now I am struggling to lose the weight I had to gain. I lost five pounds in the last 4 days...not that bad...I guess but my goal is far from reach. I need to be strong and I need to have control...

MY STATS!

CW:129
Heaviest: 210
Lowest:108
LTG:110
STG:115
Dream Weight:100
Height: 5'5
Age:19


I believe that team work is always better...anyone wanting to chat and become ana buddies let me know... my msn- starvinana@msn.com

Current Location: My bed
Current Mood: cold

1. If you aren't thin you aren't attractive.
2. Being thin is more important than being healthy.
3. You must buy clothes, style your hair, take laxatives, starve yourself, do anything to make yourself look thinner.
4. Thou shall not eat without feeling guilty.
5. Thou shall not eat fattening food without punishing oneself afterwards.
6. Thou shall count calories and restrict intake accordingly.
7. What the scale says is the most important thing.
8. Losing weight is good/gaining weight is bad.
9. You can never be too thin.
10. Being thin and not eating are signs of true will power and success.

Current Location: My bed
Current Mood: blank

Letter From Ana:

Allow me to introduce myself. My name, or as I am called by so called "doctors", is Anorexia. Anorexia Nervosa is my full name, but you may call me Ana. Hopefully we can become great partners. In the coming time, I will invest a lot of time in you, and I expect the same from you. In the past you have heard all of your teachers and parents talk about you. You are "so mature", "intelligent", "14 going on 45", and you possess "so much potential". Where has that gotten you, may I ask? Absolutely no where! You are not perfect, you do not try hard enough, further more you waste your time on thinking and talking with friends and drawing! Such acts of indulgence shall not be allowed in the future.

Your friends do not understand you. They are not truthful. In the past, when the insecurity has quietly gnawed away at your mind, and you asked them, "Do I look....fat?" and they answered "Oh no, of course not" you knew they were lying! Only I tell the truth. Your parents, let's not even go there! You know that they love you, and care for you, but part of that is just that they are your parents and are obligated to do so. I shall tell you a secret now: deep down inside themselves, they are disappointed with you. Their daughter, the one with so much potential, has turned into a fat, lazy, and undeserving girl.

But I am about to change all that. I will expect you to drop your calorie intake and up your exercise. I will push you to the limit. You must take it because you cannot defy me! I am beginning to imbed myself into you. Pretty soon, I am with you always. I am there when you wake up in the morning and run to the scale. The numbers become both friend and enemy, and the frenzied thoughts pray for them to be lower than yesterday, last night, etc. You look into the mirror with dismay. You prod and poke at the fat that is there, and smile when you come across bone. I am there when you figure out the plan for the day: 400 calories, 2 hours exercise. I am the one figuring this out, because by now my thoughts and your thoughts are blurred together as one. I follow you throughout the day. In school, when your mind wanders I give you something to think about. Recount the calories for the day. It's too much. I fill your mind with thoughts of food, weight, calories, and things that are safe to think about. Because now, I am already inside of you. I am in your head, your heart, and your soul. The hunger pains you pretend not to feel is me, inside of you.

Pretty soon I am telling you not only what to do with food, but what to do ALL of the time. Smile and nod. Present yourself well. Suck in that fat stomach, dammit! God, you are such a fat cow!!!! When mealtimes come around I tell you what to do. I make a plate of lettuce seem like a feast fit for a king. Push the food around. Make it look like you've eaten something. No piece of anything...if you eat, all the control will be broken...do you WANT that?? To revert back to the fat COW you once were?? I force you to stare at magazine models. Those perfect skinned, white teethed, waifish models of perfection staring out at you from those glossy pages. I make you realize that you could never be them. You will always be fat and never will you be as beautiful as they are. When you look in the mirror, I will distort the image. I will show you obesity and hideousness. I will show you a sumo wrestler where in reality there is a starving child. But you must not know this, because if you knew the truth, you might start to eat again and our relationship would come crashing down.

Sometimes you will rebel. Hopefully not often though. You will recognize the small rebellious fiber left in your body and will venture down to the dark kitchen. The cupboard door will slowly open, creaking softly. Your eyes will move over the food that I have kept at a safe distance from you. You will find your hands reaching out, lethargically, like a nightmare, through the darkness to the box of crackers. You shove them in, mechanically, not really tasting but simply relishing in the fact that you are going against me. You reach for another box, then another, then another. Your stomach will become bloated and grotesque, but you will not stop yet. And all the time I am screaming at you to stop, you fat cow, you really have no self control, you are going to get fat.

When it is over you will cling to me again, ask me for advice because you really do not want to get fat. You broke a cardinal rule and ate, and now you want me back. I'll force you into the bathroom, onto your knees, staring into the void of the toilet bowl. Your fingers will be inserted into your throat, and, not without a great deal of pain, your food binge will come up. Over and over this is to be repeated, until you spit up blood and water and you know it is all gone. When you stand up, you will feel dizzy. Don't pass out. Stand up right now. You fat cow you deserve to be in pain! Maybe the choice of getting rid of the guilt is different. Maybe I chose to make you take laxatives, where you sit on the toilet until the wee hours of the morning, feeling your insides cringe. Or perhaps I just make you hurt yourself, bang your head into the wall until you receive a throbbing headache. Cutting is also effective. I want you to see your blood, to see it fall down your arm, and in that split second you will realize you deserve whatever pain I give you. You are depressed, obsessed, in pain, hurting, reaching out but no one will listen? Who cares!! You are deserving; you brought this upon yourself.

Oh, is this harsh? Do you not want this to happen to you? Am I unfair? I do do things that will help you. I make it possible for you to stop thinking of emotions that cause you stress. Thoughts of anger, sadness, desperation, and loneliness can cease because I take them away and fill your head with the methodic calorie counting. I take away your struggle to fit in with kids your age, the struggle of trying to please everyone as well. Because now, I am your only friend, and I am the only one you need to please. I have a weak spot. But we must not tell anyone. If you decide to fight back, to reach out to someone and tell them about how I make you live, all hell will break lose. No one must find out, no one can crack this shell that I have covered you with. I have created you, this thin, perfect, achieving child. You are mine and mine alone. Without me, you are nothing. So do not fight back. When others comment, ignore them. Take it into stride, forget about them, forget about everyone that tries to take me away. I am your greatest asset, and I intend to keep it that way.

Sincerely,

Ana

Current Location: my bed
Current Mood: blank
Current Music: what??? Ana is all I think about

I believe in Control, the only force mighty enough to bring order to the chaos that is my world.
I believe that I am the most vile, worthless and useless person ever to have existed on this planet, and that I am totally unworthy of anyone's time and attention.
I believe that other people who tell me differently must be idiots. If they could see how I really am, then they would hate me almost as much as I do.
I believe in oughts, musts and shoulds as unbreakable laws to determine my daily behavior.
I believe in perfection and strive to attain it.
I believe in salvation through trying just a bit harder than I did yesterday.
I believe in calorie counters as the inspired word of god, and memorize them accordingly.
I believe in bathroom scales as an indicator of my daily successes and failures
I believe in hell, because I sometimes think that I'm living in it.
I believe in a wholly black and white world, the losing of weight, recrimination for sins, the abnegation of the body and a life ever fasting.

Current Location: My bed
Current Mood: blank
Current Music: Law and Order